The source of this fine item, Ed Kane, was educated at Harvard, so
he knows what "sardonic" means. I went to Princeton, and though I
majored in English, I wasn't sure what "sardonic" meant. I thought it
meant something like "sneering," but I wasn't sure. So, being unusually
cautious in this instance, I looked up this word in my twenty-pound
dictionary. It means "characterized by bitter or scornful derision;
cynical; sneering." But the rest of the dictionary entry was more
interesting, given the state of public discourse in our Republic today.
Here's part of the etymology: "alluding to a Sardinian plant which when
eaten was supposed to produce convulsive laughter ending in death."
Well, look out. This is the Bush Jr. administration. Read it
anyway. Avoid convulsive laughter.
Dear Mr. President: Send Even MORE Troops (and you go, too!) ...from
Dear Mr. President,
Thanks for your address to the nation. It's good to know you still want
to talk to us after how we behaved in November.
Listen, can I be frank? Sending in 20,000 more troops just ain't gonna
do the job. That will only bring the troop level back up to what it was
last year. And we were losing the war last year! We've already had over
a million troops serve some time in Iraq since 2003. Another few
thousand is simply not enough to find those weapons of mass destruction!
Er, I mean... bringing those responsible for 9/11 to justice! Um,
scratch that. Try this -- BRING DEMOCRACY TO THE MIDDLE EAST! YES!!!
You've got to show some courage, dude! You've got to win this one!
C'mon, you got Saddam! You hung 'im high! I loved watching the video of
that -- just like the old wild west! The bad guy wore black! The hangmen
were as crazy as the hangee! Lynch mobs rule!!!
Look, I have to admit I feel very sorry for the predicament you're in.
As Ricky Bobby said, "If you're not first, you're last." And you being
humiliated in front of the whole world does NONE of us Americans any good.
Sir, listen to me. You have to send in MILLIONS of troops to Iraq, not
thousands! The only way to lick this thing now is to flood Iraq with
millions of us! I know that you're out of combat-ready soldiers -- so
you have to look elsewhere! The only way you are going to beat a nation
of 27 million -- Iraq -- is to send in at least 28 million! Here's how
it would work:
The first 27 million Americans go in and kill one Iraqi each. That will
quickly take care of any insurgency. The other one million of us will
stay and rebuild the country. Simple.
Now, I know you're saying, where will I find 28 million Americans to go
to Iraq? Here are some suggestions:
1. More than 62,000,000 Americans voted for you in the last election
(the one that took place a year and half into a war we already knew we
were losing). I am confident that at least a third of them would want to
put their body where there vote was and sign up to volunteer. I know
many of these people and, while we may disagree politically, I know that
they don't believe someone else should have to go and fight their fight
for them -- while they hide here in America.
2. Start a "Kill an Iraqi" Meet-Up group in cities across the country. I
know this idea is so early-21st century, but I once went to a Lou Dobbs
Meet-Up and, I swear, some of the best ideas happen after the third
mojito. I'm sure you'll get another five million or so enlistees from
3. Send over all members of the mainstream media. After all, they were
your collaborators in bringing us this war -- and many of them are
already trained from having been "embedded!" If that doesn't bring the
total to 28 million, then draft all viewers of the FOX News channel.
Mr. Bush, do not give up! Now is not the time to pull your punch! Don't
be a weenie by sending in a few over-tired troops. Get your people
behind you and YOU lead them in like a true commander in chief! Leave no
conservative behind! Full speed ahead!
We promise to write. Go get 'em W!