to /The London Observer/:
"I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down
the street. Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop.
They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning
something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover
what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to,
but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for
Mr. Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good
sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the
street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one
by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go
to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that
they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the
rights and wrongs of a preemptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson
will be finalizing his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr.
Patel will be secretly murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of
automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until
recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush
has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and
then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards
Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security.
The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have
never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife
and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll
leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable
way. Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing
Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of
mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just
as much justification for killing Mr. Johnson's wife and children as
Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr. Bush's long-term aim is to make the
world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's
such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've
How will Mr. Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When
every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a
terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want
to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide
bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to
wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he
can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to
fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr.
Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the
tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who
I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one
will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might
be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good
enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to
give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open
and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers."