by PAUL SLANSKY
Issue of 2005-10-31
1. Who is Ben Marble?
(a) The Pentagon official who said that George W. Bush’s staged videoconference with U.S. troops in Iraq made him “livid.”
(b) The Texas liquor-authority agent who arrested George W. Bush’s intoxicated nephew John for resisting arrest.
(c) The former White House speechwriter who said that Harriet Miers, the Supreme Court nominee, told him that George W. Bush was the most brilliant man she’d ever met.
(d) The Gulfport, Mississippi, onlooker who twice interrupted Dick Cheney’s conversation with reporters to tell Cheney, “Go fuck yourself.”
2. True or false: During Sky News Ireland’s coverage of George W. Bush’s reaction to Hurricane Katrina, the network paraphrased his comments with the caption “BUSH: ONE OF THE WORST DISASTERS TO HIT THE U.S.”
3. To what was George W. Bush referring when he said, “The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who’s spending time investigating it”?
(a) The investigation into Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist’s stock sale.
(b) The investigation into the role of the White House aide Karl Rove in the Valerie Plame case.
(c) The indictment of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay on money-laundering charges.
(d) The indictment of the former Bush Administration budget official David Safavian on charges of lying and obstruction of justice.
4. What did Dick Cheney say when asked why he didn’t cut his Wyoming fly-fishing vacation short until several days after Katrina hit New Orleans?
(a) “Go fuck yourself.”
(b) “I didn’t stop smoking until after my fourth heart attack, so some things take a while to sink in with me.”
(c) “I came back four days early.”
(d) “The trout were biting big-time.”
Who said what about stranded flood victims?
5. Barbara Bush.
6. Wolf Blitzer.
7. Bill O’Reilly.
(a) “So many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway. This is working very [chuckling] well for them.”
(b) That many of them were “drug-addicted.”
(c) “So many of these people, almost all of them that we see, are so poor, and they are so black.”
8. While speaking to hurricane victims in Mississippi, Laura Bush twice mistakenly referred to the storm as:
(a) Catalina. (c) Condoleezza.
(b) Corina. (d) Karenina.
9. What was notable about the memo sent by FEMA’s director, Michael Brown, to Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff hours after the flooding of New Orleans began?
(a) His repeated references to FEMA as the “Federal Emergency Management Association” instead of “Agency.”
(b) The lack of urgency in his request that a thousand workers be sent to the region “within forty-eight hours,” and his suggestion that those workers bring cash, because “A.T.M.s may not be working.”
(c) His prediction that the disaster could be “just the thing” to lead an “already shaky” George W. Bush to start drinking again.
(d) His suggestion that the agency see about setting up “foster barns” for the region’s Arabian horses.
10. Who is Norris Alderson?
(a) The Food and Drug Administration official who resigned in protest of the agency’s refusal to allow over-the-counter sales of the morning-after pill.
(b) The veterinarian with no experience on women’s-health issues who was initially named to run the F.D.A.’s Office of Women’s Health.
(c) The lawyer who was named to run the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency despite having minimal experience in immigration, customs, or law enforcement.
(d) The Manhattan shopper who confronted Condoleezza Rice at Ferragamo, where she was spending thousands of dollars as the situation in New Orleans was deteriorating, and demanded, “How dare you shop for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless?”
11. Three of these statements were made by George W. Bush. Which one did Michael Chertoff make?
(a) “One of the things that people want us to do here is to play a blame game.”
(b) “So please give cash money to organizations that are directly involved in helping save lives—save the life who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina.”
(c) “Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater.”
(d) “We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job.”
Who did what?
12. Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pa.).
13. Senator Mary Landrieu (D-La.).
14. Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.).
15. Representative Richard Baker (R-La.).
16. Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas).
17. Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.).
(a) Said that God “finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans.”
(b) Complained about the people who refused to evacuate, and suggested that “there may be a need to look at tougher penalties on those who decide to ride it out and understand that there are consequences to not leaving.”
(c) Said of Dick Cheney, “I would like to believe he’s sick rather than just mean and evil.”
(d) Said that if anyone, including George W. Bush, spoke another word trying to blame local officials for the magnitude of the disaster, “I might likely have to punch him. Literally.”
(e) Approached three newly homeless children in the Astrodome and said, “Now, tell me the truth, boys, is this kind of fun?”
(f) Said of George W. Bush’s photo op in San Diego as New Orleans flooded, “The President was enjoying the day; he was strumming a guitar. I don’t deny him the pleasures of office, but people were drowning.”
18. What did George W. Bush say to reassure people about Harriet Miers?
(a) “She’s the most brilliant woman I’ve ever met.”
(b) “She’s got the best heart of anyone I know, just a super heart.”
(c) “She helped hide the bodies in my National Guard record.”
(d) “She is plenty bright.”
19. What prompted George W. Bush’s response “I’ve got a life to live, and will do so”?
(a) A question about the propriety of taking a five-week vacation when U.S. soldiers were dying in Iraq.
(b) A question about why he was out bike-riding instead of talking to the war protester Cindy Sheehan.
(c) A question about why he flew to California instead of Louisiana after he heard about the New Orleans flooding.
(d) A question about the propriety of wasting so much fuel on trips to New Orleans that had no purpose but to make the public think he was in charge.
20. What did George W. Bush say that the government had to do in response to the New Orleans flooding?
(a) “We’ve got to solve problems. We’re problem-solvers.”
(b) “We’ve got to do the work. We’re work-doers.”
(c) “We’ve got to fire Brownie. We’re Brownie-firers.”
(d) “We’ve got to get rid of that water. We’re water-getter-ridders. Of.”
(1) d, (2) True, (3) b, (4) c, (5) a, (6) c, (7) b, (8) b, (9) b, (10) b, (11) c, (12) b, (13) d, (14) c, (15) a, (16) e, (17) f, (18) d, (19) b, (20) a.